David Cross, Guest MC at the Y! Music BBQ

On Saturday, March 18, Yahoo! Music threw a good old-fashioned BBQ bash at the Austin, Texas musicfest South By Southwest, featuring memorable appearances by the Subways, KT Tunstall, Cary Brothers, Dashboard Confessional, and (perhaps most impressively) extra-special guest emcee DAVID CROSS (!!!!). Good times, good times. All the performances were awesome, of course, but perhaps THE highlight of the soiree was when David read aloud to the amused (and somewhat confused) crowd a letter from the “President of Yahoo!,” Carver Malone. (Bizarrely, I’ve never heard of this guy. Hmmmm…) Below is a word-for-word transcript of the letter, as emailed to me by Mr. Cross himself. (Incidentally, getting a personal email from David Cross has to be one of the highlights of my Yahoo! career thus far.) Read this work of comic genius and try to imagine every syllable uttered in David’s smarmy voice.

Greetings, I hope this finds you well. My name is Carver Malone, President and CEO of Yahoo! Inc. I guess you could call me Yahoo’s main “dude,” although you won’t find me on a dude ranch! I’m scared of horses…and unicorns. That’s why I never saw The Chronicles Of Narnia. Anyhoo, I would like to welcome you to the first annual Yahoo! SXSW Young Persons’ Music Jamout. We hope that by sponsoring this afternoon’s totally rad rock ‘n’ roll concert that not only will we be able to build spiritual bridges linking generations and cultures through music and art, but we will also be able to sear the Yahoo! name into the collective consciences of the fastest-rising disposable income demographic of our country. Hey, they don’t call it “branding” for nothing. And we think we’ve got a “totally rad” lineup for you this afternoon.

I know what you’re thinking: “Hey old man, what do you in your suit and tie and 2.5 kids know about us teens? We’re Generation X–the skateboard generation!” Well, it may seem hard to believe, but I too was young once. Whether it was hangin’ ten with my bro’s down at the auto shop or getting crunk with my black friends Jali’il and Eduardo, I’ve had my share of wild and wooly nights and I know how important Spring Break can be to a young adult’s life. It’s a rite of passage and rape for many men and women.

We here at Yahoo! know you have a choice in online servers…and we are trying to change that. Hopefully, by linking this great afternoon of emocore and free beer with the Yahoo! name, you will switch over to us and NOT the competition. Let’s drive AOL into the sea, where the streets will flow with their blood. They are a dirty, subhuman race of mud people who must be wiped clean from the holy land. And that holy land is Yahoo.com!

Anyway, enjoy Texas and all it has to offer–from its yellow roses, to totally slamming ‘Q, to its culture of institutionalized racism. Just kick back with some brewski’s or some Long Island Iced Teas, and enjoy today’s hottest musical acts and an acerbic, smug comedian who enjoys biting the hand that feeds him.

Let it all hang out. Surf’s up! Tune in, turn on, and drop out!

Carver Malone, Yahoo!

For those needing clarification, David Cross is a comedian, there is no such person at Yahoo! named Carver Malone, and the above was a JOKE intro to a Yahoo!-sponsored music event MC’d by said comedian. Happy April Fools day,
Lyndsey Parker
Yahoo! Music